English, Poetry

The Last

That was a fine evening
with stars and breezy wind
with your arm around my waist
and your lips once on mine.

If only I knew that was the last time
If only I knew that was the last kiss
I would have done it better.

As it is pathetic that I can’t perfectly remember
that one last moment.

24 February 2008

English, Life, Philosophy, Poetry

Desire and fear

The desire of having soon will be replaced by the fear of losing.

I read this line the first time more than nine years ago, but I can’t remember where exactly and who actually wrote it.

I was instantly mesmerised by the beautiful rhyme. I was captivated by the humility radiating from the phrase. I love its honesty and the sense of resignation emanating from it.

It displays a recognition of various pure sensation of wanting and then realising that there is possible course of losing. It’s romantic and at the same time tragic.

English, Grumble, Life, Philosophy, Poetry

The problem with love

The problem with (this kind of) love is you lose control

It comes so strong, you don’t get a chance to hold on
It underrates your dignity, let you torn up between hopes and reality
It makes the rest parameters of your life less significant
It never cares how you will rise and fall

This (kind of) love has that one problem
But hey, we probably don’t need control
And maybe instead I can write longer poem about…

The beauty of (this kind of) love.

English, Grumble, Life, Serious Talk, Urban Living

One month and nineteen days

It’s been one month and nineteen days since I first stepped my feet in Germany. Sounds so absurd even to just type it down here. One-month-and-nineteen-days-in-Germany. Three years ago, this was just a wild dream. Three years ago, this was just something I told myself what I might be able to do.

“Hey, why don’t you quit your job? You are bored and you don’t learn much anymore. Why don’t you move out of Jakarta? The city gets more overwhelming. Why don’t you leave Indonesia? The politics is getting tiresome. Why don’t you study again? You have enough saving.”

All those why-don’t-yous have been turning to a yes for me. I did it. I quit the job. I moved out of Jakarta. I left Indonesia. I’m studying again. I’m here now. Ticking and doing every single thing which were once just some distant wishes.

Shouldn’t I be happy?

I should. And I am. Most of the times. Other times, I’m surprised to realise how scared I am facing and experiencing all this new adventure. At times I feel so powerless. I used to be so self-assured on what I master and what I enjoy to do. I was good at work, I did much crafting, enjoying the evenings with friends talking about dreams and shits. Now I’m just a stupid student, earning none, creating none, enjoying the evenings with no close friends to talk about dreams and shits.

I don’t quite understand it. I’m bewildered with much frustration, instead of amusement. I get what I want, yet I’m not content. I’m constantly alert with anticipation. What do I miss? Are all set? What now? What next?

Can that be the problem?

You know, maybe the problem is when we don’t actually live and enjoy what we get and what we have now. My mind keeps telling me to think one or two or many steps ahead. Instead of appreciating the fresh air I breathe after running in the quiet park with beautiful autumn colours, my brain tends to jump much forward with many unhealthy what-ifs. What if I don’t speak German enough once I finish my study? What if I won’t be qualified for decent jobs here? What if I can’t build close friendship with the new people? What if I’m running out of time and money before I’m settling down?

(long pause)

Ah, it’s pretty late now. I get really sleepy too. I think I better put off all this weary thoughts and go to bed now. Tomorrow is a new day.

English, Grumble, Life, Philosophy, Poetry, Serious Talk

Product of a broken heart

We are all a product of a broken heart. How miserable that sounds, doesn’t it? But that’s the (ugly) truth. Our heart once broken. Or twice, or you might lose count as you have a really fragile one. But we fix it every time. That broken heart. Sometimes it takes one round of a full moon, sometimes a season, sometimes a little less than a lifetime.

The heart breaks for different reasons. And sadly, the ones caused by the closest persons you have are the ones that hurt the most. That’s the kind of wound which will take the hardest effort and longest time to recover from.

We are all a product of a broken heart. Sufferings affect us greatly and change us. They cause us fear, paranoia, pessimism and well, cynicism. It’s never easy to get back up again. How to trust again? In ourselves, in other people? How to forgive when they, who did us wrong, don’t even apologize, that they’re not even sorry? How to be optimistic that something beautiful will come visit us again? But like any other wounds, broken heart will heal. Like any physical pain, the heart will recover if we tend it carefully.

Oh dear friends, we are all a product of a broken heart. Let’s take a good care of this one-and-only heart with patience, acceptance, and gentleness.

English, Fun Stuff, Life, List, Philosophy, Poetry, Serious Talk

Life is like crocheting

Life is like crocheting. You go stitch by stitch, chain by chain, patiently and consistently.

Life is like crocheting. You need to be patient and enjoy the process.

Life is like crocheting. You learn to appreciate patterns and to follow direction, even if they seem impossible.

Life is like crocheting. You sometimes make a mistake that is too late to recognize. You can’t undo, so you just accept it and move on.

Life is like crocheting. It is for anyone in any ages.

Life is like crocheting. It is sometimes boring too.

Life is like crocheting. You might not get what you expected. And it might surprise you.

Life is like crocheting. You suck at first, but get better along the way.

Energy, English, Fun Stuff, Grumble, Life, List, Miscellaneous, Philosophy, Serious Talk, Tips

What you want or what you need?

I’m lately torn between the ideas of what I want and what I need. The fact that, at my age, I still don’t exactly know what I want really frustrates me. Of all the experiences and the wisdom I’ve gained, how come I’m still trapped in this conflicting choices, even worse: conflicting definition? Seriously!

Naturally, people want to get what they want and depending on how much they want it, one might do absolutely anything for it. The triumphant feeling of getting what we want is satisfying, isn’t it? While not getting it will cause disapppointment. And yeah we all know we can’t always get what we want.

And then there is this thing we need. Things (or people) that bring about the best of us. I’m not talking about material things. Neither about the people who can support us practically (for instance financially). It’s about the mental needs; things that make our mind full, yet in eventual peace. These include those tests, problems, failures, the support structure, the unconditional love…

So my restless mind starts to do what it likes to do: juggling with theories and assumptions, and then jotting down a list (oh how I love lists!).

Want Need
Stimulate your mind Peace your mind
Make you feel excited Make you feel collected
Success Failure
Fireworks Meditation
Butterflies Composure
Control Acceptance
Challenge Certainty

(This table is expandable).

Sometimes when we’re lucky, both poles are aligned and we do want what we need.

On one last note, I will throw this question for you to chew:

What would you rather: be with someone you want or someone you need?