It’s been one month and nineteen days since I first stepped my feet in Germany. Sounds so absurd even to just type it down here. One-month-and-nineteen-days-in-Germany. Three years ago, this was just a wild dream. Three years ago, this was just something I told myself what I might be able to do.
“Hey, why don’t you quit your job? You are bored and you don’t learn much anymore. Why don’t you move out of Jakarta? The city gets more overwhelming. Why don’t you leave Indonesia? The politics is getting tiresome. Why don’t you study again? You have enough saving.”
All those why-don’t-yous have been turning to a yes for me. I did it. I quit the job. I moved out of Jakarta. I left Indonesia. I’m studying again. I’m here now. Ticking and doing every single thing which were once just some distant wishes.
Shouldn’t I be happy?
I should. And I am. Most of the times. Other times, I’m surprised to realise how scared I am facing and experiencing all this new adventure. At times I feel so powerless. I used to be so self-assured on what I master and what I enjoy to do. I was good at work, I did much crafting, enjoying the evenings with friends talking about dreams and shits. Now I’m just a stupid student, earning none, creating none, enjoying the evenings with no close friends to talk about dreams and shits.
I don’t quite understand it. I’m bewildered with much frustration, instead of amusement. I get what I want, yet I’m not content. I’m constantly alert with anticipation. What do I miss? Are all set? What now? What next?
Can that be the problem?
You know, maybe the problem is when we don’t actually live and enjoy what we get and what we have now. My mind keeps telling me to think one or two or many steps ahead. Instead of appreciating the fresh air I breathe after running in the quiet park with beautiful autumn colours, my brain tends to jump much forward with many unhealthy what-ifs. What if I don’t speak German enough once I finish my study? What if I won’t be qualified for decent jobs here? What if I can’t build close friendship with the new people? What if I’m running out of time and money before I’m settling down?
Ah, it’s pretty late now. I get really sleepy too. I think I better put off all this weary thoughts and go to bed now. Tomorrow is a new day.