Product of a broken heart

We are all a product of a broken heart. How miserable that sounds, doesn’t it? But that’s the (ugly) truth. Our heart once broken. Or twice, or you might lose count as you have a really fragile one. But we fix it every time. That broken heart. Sometimes it takes one round of a full moon, sometimes a season, sometimes a little less than a lifetime.

The heart breaks for different reasons. And sadly, the ones caused by the closest persons you have are the ones that hurt the most. That’s the kind of wound which will take the hardest effort and longest time to recover from.

We are all a product of a broken heart. Sufferings affect us greatly and change us. They cause us fear, paranoia, pessimism and well, cynicism. It’s never easy to get back up again. How to trust again? In ourselves, in other people? How to forgive when they, who did us wrong, don’t even apologize, that they’re not even sorry? How to be optimistic that something beautiful will come visit us again? But like any other wounds, broken heart will heal. Like any physical pain, the heart will recover if we tend it carefully.

Oh dear friends, we are all a product of a broken heart. Let’s take a good care of this one-and-only heart with patience, acceptance, and gentleness.


Life is like crocheting

Life is like crocheting. You go stitch by stitch, chain by chain, patiently and consistently.

Life is like crocheting. You need to be patient and enjoy the process.

Life is like crocheting. You learn to appreciate patterns and to follow direction, even if they seem impossible.

Life is like crocheting. You sometimes make a mistake that is too late to recognize. You can’t undo, so you just accept it and move on.

Life is like crocheting. It is for anyone in any ages.

Life is like crocheting. It is sometimes boring too.

Life is like crocheting. You might not get what you expected. And it might surprise you.

Life is like crocheting. You suck at first, but get better along the way.

What you want or what you need?

I’m lately torn between the ideas of what I want and what I need. The fact that, at my age, I still don’t exactly know what I want really frustrates me. Of all the experiences and the wisdom I’ve gained, how come I’m still trapped in this conflicting choices, even worse: conflicting definition? Seriously!

Naturally, people want to get what they want and depending on how much they want it, one might do absolutely anything for it. The triumphant feeling of getting what we want is satisfying, isn’t it? While not getting it will cause disapppointment. And yeah we all know we can’t always get what we want.

And then there is this thing we need. Things (or people) that bring about the best of us. I’m not talking about material things. Neither about the people who can support us practically (for instance financially). It’s about the mental needs; things that make our mind full, yet in eventual peace. These include those tests, problems, failures, the support structure, the unconditional love…

So my restless mind starts to do what it likes to do: juggling with theories and assumptions, and then jotting down a list (oh how I love lists!).

Want Need
Stimulate your mind Peace your mind
Make you feel excited Make you feel collected
Success Failure
Fireworks Meditation
Butterflies Composure
Control Acceptance
Challenge Certainty

(This table is expandable).

Sometimes when we’re lucky, both poles are aligned and we do want what we need.

On one last note, I will throw this question for you to chew:

What would you rather: be with someone you want or someone you need?


I’m free!

To whom it may concern:

How happy I am to see that light comes only from darkness and shadows. So does happiness.

Today, one year ago, was a difficult time for us. For me; as I faced the biggest realisation that you’re gone from my life. And maybe for you; as you were in a confusing crossroad of uncertainties.

Today, I want to congratulate both of us for surviving the turmoil.

For you; to be free becoming who you really are, to be with the person you truly be happy with. And you two made it the whole year! I wish you two happiness.

For me; to strive and freely grow and bloom becoming the person I didn’t know I could be, a better me. It’s the anniversary of my courage and my heart’s freedom.

I understand now that we needed to be with each other back then, so we can be who we are today. It was part of self discovery, don’t you agree?

Time to Heal

Healing takes time, but it will come. And when it does, you will find happiness so bright, you will be blind to all that once tormented you.

We can’t deliberately choose the memories we want to remember. I wish I could, but that’s just not the case, isn’t it?

I have this one scene of my childhood that vaguely stuck in my mind. I’m not quite sure about the year, maybe I was five. I only know I was really small that even stepping over a 50cm-wide-ditch was a huge problem.

It was a daring game. My neighbours had this silly challenge of jumping over a ditch in front of my house. I was doubtful and scared. I was unsure if I could make it. But it seemed so easy for everyone, I must do it. So they started to applaud, pushing me to do it. Jump! Jump! Jump!

So I did. I jumped. And… I missed the other side of the ditch. It happened so fast. I can’t remember how I got up from the bottom. I can’t remember how I walked towards my house. But I do remember I was so embarrased and scared of what would happen next. I remember my face was covered with blood dripping and I tried to wipe it off with my hands. I remember my mom stood by the door in awe and in a second she passed out. I remember my dad ran to my mom and carried her to the sofa in the living room, while I was standing still by the door not quite sure what to do. A couple of minutes later my dad came and carried me inside. And the scenes stopped there. I don’t remember the rest.

It happened almost three decades ago. No pain that I can remember. No scars as a souvenir either. It quickly became one of those light anecdotes I tell people when we play “your most embarrassing thing” game.

I was healed.

Our soul, unfortunately, heals in different pace, different way. We can’t really see the wound, thus makes it trickier to take care of. We can feel it there, in our brain, sending pain signal to our chest, pushing the tear glands to squeeze and shed some drops. Thankfully, crying is good and necessary.

Psychic tears are the crying tears produced as response to sadness, anger, frustration, or pain. These tears contain a natural painkiller. Yes, this act of crying releases what is called leucine-enkephalin, an endorphin that reduces pain and helps improve mood and reduce stress immediately. This is an important detox.

Therefore, it’s soothing to have a good cry. Although it’s addictive too. Our body is so amazing, isn’t it? It’s equipped with such a mechanism to help it coping with emotional breakdown. It might seem trivial, these psychic tears, but they significantly give remedy. Helping us to heal. Emotionally.

So hang in there. Take your time. Take a good cry. The time will come. You’ll be healed.

Somewhere Beyond the Sea (Part 3)

I like the back roll entry the most in scuba diving. It’s generally because I don’t have to bear the 15-something-kilos burden of the air tank (and BCD and octopus and extra weights) on me too long. I’d just sit by the edge of the boat and let my body roll backwards. Nice.


Everything you need under water. Plus a good wet suit. Plus courage and determination.

Speaking of heavy burden, giant stride is obviously the method I’m most nervous doing. I’m not a big fan of jumping into water. And even though we are not supposed to jump, the idea of stepping forward into the water (with that burden) from about a meter high is not really my thing. Therefore, the other “lighter” method of wearing the equipment on the water surface, is not really my favorite either as I still need to jump into the water for it.

In life, however, I jump a lot (including jumping into conclusion ha ha). I often make giant steps too. I call myself courageous, but in some cases it’s merely being frivolous. Isn’t it fascinating to just do, to just close our eyes and jump?

I think I’m turning crazy about this diving thingy. But this how love feels like, doesn’t it? It’s an amazing feeling, really. Knowing how I’m afraid of the limitless sea, the unknown darkness, the dependence on equipment wrapped in my body, the doubt whether my body could handle the pressure (both physically and mentally) under water… Yet, just like any other love, it’s simply beautiful to be in it. It’s beyond words.

I’m in love.

We don’t define love

I find it amusing how some people have no idea about what love is. They came to me and said “I don’t know what love is” or asked “what is your definition of love?”. And I’m not talking about confused and inexperienced young teenagers here. These are people who I see have more years of being in relationship even marriage.


One fine afternoon in Belitung Island.

You know when you love someone. If you don’t know, then you don’t love them. It’s that simple. But I think people nowadays tend to complicate things. It used to be just “I love you, you love me, we are together”. Now it’s “I love you, you love me, but I can’t be with you, because I’m with someone else who I care about, so do you, and we end up feeling lonely”. Sad isn’t it?

Many philosophers (or normal people like me) have been trying to formulate the definition of love, but so far I can’t find one definition that represents perfectly what love is. Or what I think love is. It doesn’t mean those definitions are not right. What is right anyway?

Love could be so many things. There are symptoms, signs, indications you can cross-check if you’d like to know if you love someone. But that sounds so mechanical and theoretical, no? Why don’t you just take a deep breath and close your eyes and listen to your heart? You’ll know it when you love someone. If you don’t know, again, then you don’t love them.

We don’t need to define love. It’s a feeling that words can’t describe. You. feel. it.