We don’t define love

I find it amusing how some people have no idea about what love is. They came to me and said “I don’t know what love is” or asked “what is your definition of love?”. And I’m not talking about confused and inexperienced young teenagers here. These are people who I see have more years of being in relationship even marriage.


One fine afternoon in Belitung Island.

You know when you love someone. If you don’t know, then you don’t love them. It’s that simple. But I think people nowadays tend to complicate things. It used to be just “I love you, you love me, we are together”. Now it’s “I love you, you love me, but I can’t be with you, because I’m with someone else who I care about, so do you, and we end up feeling lonely”. Sad isn’t it?

Many philosophers (or normal people like me) have been trying to formulate the definition of love, but so far I can’t find one definition that represents perfectly what love is. Or what I think love is. It doesn’t mean those definitions are not right. What is right anyway?

Love could be so many things. There are symptoms, signs, indications you can cross-check if you’d like to know if you love someone. But that sounds so mechanical and theoretical, no? Why don’t you just take a deep breath and close your eyes and listen to your heart? You’ll know it when you love someone. If you don’t know, again, then you don’t love them.

We don’t need to define love. It’s a feeling that words can’t describe. You. feel. it.


After the Breakup

This is a short story about heartbreak. About losing so many aspects in my life. Losing my faith in love and relationship. Losing my trust in me. Losing my pride. Losing my joy. Losing some reasons of my happiness, my peace of mind, my dream. I’m losing a man I once loved dearly.

I’m ready now to write down this wistful story. I have passed all those stages I read everywhere on the Internet. Interestingly, those stages are not actually sequential. It’s not that once you crossed one stage, you can only move forward to the next stage. No, it doesn’t work that way, especially when the breakup is relatively fresh (I said “relatively” because everyone has their own timeline, and that’s totally fine). I’m approaching my fourth month now from the breakup. I feel stronger than ever. I can see things more clearly and I understand and accept that the breakup was necessary, the breakup was the right thing.

One important thing I learned this time is: not to be so hard on myself. “Don’t beat yourself up!” Seriously. If you’re going through a breakup, for whatever reason and whatever circumstances, don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, take a good care of yourself. Acknowledge the pain (which may cause you doing things you won’t be proud of in a normal situation). Believe that you’re doing the best thing you could do at a given state of affairs. Always.

I still cry now and then. I’m torn. I feel my heart breaks again every time I realize that he fell out of love with me. Although I also don’t feel the way I used to feel about him. You know that feelings. How you don’t see the personality you were falling in love with. Getting to know each other more made us realized how different we are. We want very different things. He wants to always be surrounded by girls. At first, nothing about infidelity, it’s just the way he is. He loves being with girls. He loves being adored and admired for his physical features, his charisma, and his obsession about foreign culture. On the other hand, I don’t like men who flirts around. I found it tacky and unattractive. I might forget the fact that in the beginning he was flirting with me too, and I took the bait voluntarily :).

You know that phrase “one thing leads to another”? So yes, one thing lead to another. The flirting became more severe. I became so irritated thus the nagging followed relentlessly. Till at some point he got tired and took it beyond. He cheated on me. The first time was forgiven. But then there was the second, and third, and I lost count. And the day came. The day when we agreed to break our tie. We cried like we never did before. We loved each other that much.

Now, at this point I finally have everything sorted out clearly. That fog hanging on my head is lifted up. The reason of the breakup was so simple. We are not the right person for each other. We tried. We tried real hard to make it work, for the love reason. But he fell out of love too and I can’t work on this relationship alone.

It’s not easy to accept those facts. It’s actually really painful. Because it’s not just merely about losing the love, but about all those dreams and hopes that have been built are now shattered, drifted to the gutter.

But there is an up side. I’m not only losing in this game. I’m gaining too. Life lesson is the obvious and direct reward from the hardship. Strength, patience, new perspective, time to explore who I am and what I really want in a relationship and in life, and most  of all: detached happiness (the kind of happiness that starts inside me, not others).

That is the beauty of breakup. We actually become a better person. The Failed Relationship is like one subject in the University of Life and the real breakup is like the test we should go through and pass. By now I have taken this class several times and I know for sure at least I get a B+ this time. I don’t intend to attend this class again to get an A, though.

Lastly, when you’re going through a breakup, take your time to heal. Seek for support from your closest friends, perhaps family too (if you are close to them). Browse the Internet to get a wealth of tips and advice to help you; pick the ones suit you. Fortunately for us, it’s not a close book test :).

LDR is lonely

Long distance relationship is lonely. Really lonely. Sometimes the missing feeling is just unbearable. It’s worse than being single. You go to a party alone, dance alone, eat alone, sleep alone, and you deal with all your problems all alone. When you need some hugs, you hug an empty air. When you need to lay your head for comfort, you end up crying on your pillow.

Long distance relationship is lonely. You can only text your longing feeling. You chat about your day through phone calls. You have dinner by Skype. You share songs to listen on Youtube. You share articles or books to read together and talk about it. You send virtual kisses and exchange “I miss you”s.

What keeps you stay is that you love him. Or you love the idea of him. And that he says he loves you too. And your hope that soon you will be together. So you could go to a party together, dance as a couple, eat at a table for two, sleep with him next to you, and suddenly you don’t see any problems to deal with. When you need some hugs, you will get a decent one. When you need to lay your troubles down, you will get a strong shoulder to comfort you.

That L Word

Rain WindowIt was one chilly night with the rain pouring when he (finally) said that he thinks he love me too. What a lousy respond to my “I love you”. Normal people would just say “I love you too”. But no, he is not normal yet I’m stuck on him.

It took him over a year to declare his love and to be honest I don’t understand how I can stand this anti-romance attitude of him. I’m hopelessly romantic and sensitive and melancholic and insecure too at times. Being with him really pushes me to the edge of imperviousness and endurance. But damn, am I enjoying it? Although yeah, there is this rush of adrenaline coming from the fear of fall. Fall in love.

In his defense, it is too dramatic for him who’s not used to express his feelings openly. So it may be scary for him to say something vulgar like “I love you”. Maybe it has something to do also with he’s not sure of how he feels. Moreover, what more can I expect? We live in a world where “fuck you” is more acceptable than “I love you”. People utter hatred more easily than speak of affectionate and endearing words.

But I love him. Well, I think I do. And I think it was a mistake of saying it first. I should just shut my mouth after saying I love the rain. But in my defense, at that time the universe was like teasing me and I could hear some inner voice was even mocking me call me a coward. Just say how you feel… let him know…

Oh! Stupid inner voice! I could see his face turned red. Now that he said he thinks he love me too, I don’t buy it. It was just him being proper – choosing any responses instead of saying nothing.

So I then asked him, “You think or you know?”

He went silent, swiftly kissed me passionately instead.

The L Word

Rain - crop

“I love you,” she whispered in my ear. And that was it. I suddenly think I don’t need anything else in this life. I’ve never said that word to her (maybe I should, then she could say ‘I love you too’), but hell, it feels so damn good this way.

She loves me. Yes yes yes! Hahaha… I mean, she is gorgeous. She is fierce but funny, she is independent but needy, and despite her being obnoxious at times, she is actually sweet. I am not sure why she loves me. But she does and that’s all I need to know.

Getting overwhelmed by that L word (which I rarely use myself), my radar has become sensitive and it easily spots the word when it’s out there. Especially when it comes from her and damn! I just realised she says that word a LOT.

“Oh, I love this purple dress!” So, she loves the dress. Although I must admit she looks wonderful in it, but… loves it?

“You know, I really love chocolate Soufflé at Otel Lobby!” It takes twenty minutes to have the Soufflé and she joked she loves it because it will give us twenty minutes more together. What a sweet cheesy line of her. But since when a person really loves chocolate?

“I love Robbie Williams!” who the hell is Robbie Williams? Um, I smell a competition here.

“I love rain…” she said softly while holding me tighter. That makes me appreciate the rain more.

And… “I love you,” she said again with her sparkling eyes. I smile, for a second feel doubtful if her ‘I love you’ to me is special. What is this love? Is it the same love to that purple dress? Or that Soufflé? Or that fucking British dude (yes, googled him)? Or even the rain?

Strangely, I am afraid the answer is yes. I think I fall in love with her. And mine is definitely different from my feeling to any dress, food, dudes, or rain – no matter how peaceful and calming it is.

“I think I love you too,” I said with inexplicable jealousy.

“You think or you know?” she asked.

Damn, what’s the difference? I then just shut her mouth.

Painting by Leonid Afremov

Dunia, Neraka, dan Surga

Suatu masa kau bisikkan di telingaku
Rayuan tentang aku duniamu
Tanpa aku tak ada artinya hidupmu
Malam-malam berhias cinta, bahagia yang semu

Suatu ketika kau semburkan di mukaku
Makian tentang aku nerakamu
Membawamu bergelung dosa-dosa
Menyeretmu menikmati cinta yang tidak seharusnya

Sesungguhnya aku selalu ingin membawamu ke surga
Bukan sekadar dunia apalagi neraka
Tapi nyatanya…
Kau tak pernah mau kubawa serta

The World, Hell, and Heaven

Once upon a time you whispered in my ear
Wooing — I’m yours
That without me your life means nothing
The love ornate nights, false happiness

Once you burst on my face
Invective about me being your hell
Taking you curled by the sins
Dragging you to enjoy the love that should not be

My love,
Actually I always wanted to take you to heaven
Not merely the world – let alone the hell
But the thing is…
You never wanted to go along with me

Original post: http://truelia.multiply.com/journal/item/378/Dunia_Neraka_dan_Surga 

First of May


Today, yesteryear… I smiled so much.
For I met an angel. Who colored my life.

Today, yesteryear… I was so high.
For I tasted the warmest feeling. In my chilled life.

Today, I wish I could rewind and relive that one fine day
so I could enjoy it the fullest…
so I could feel the melody of his breath…
so I could listen carefully to his every single heartbeat…
so I could cherish every nano second of it…
so I could laugh out loud at whatever he joke about…
so I could not let one moment slipped without looking in his beautiful eyes staring at mine…
so I could freeze those moments then frame it in my wall of sweet memories…

Today, yesteryear… was simply a miracle.