Some Things Are Beyond Control

Flower

Some things are beyond control. Heart is one of them.

“You can’t plan on the heart.”

The verse was from a poem I knew from a lyric that happened to be one of my favorite songs now. It is actually a sad song, yet sweet and hopeful. It gets me so blue every time I listen to it (which of course due to some similarities to my reality). Isn’t it wonderful how our reality matches so well to others?

“You can’t plan on the heart,” he said.

Oh, I feel like he’s mocking me! Among other things, I surely know very well that heart is one thing I can’t plan. His saying is like a slap on my face—waking me up. If only I could plan on my heart—to control my very own heart—perhaps life would be easier. Perhaps, how would I know? But you should know what I mean.

You fall for someone who is so different from you, with some traits you normally can’t tolerate. You don’t exactly know why or how you want to be with this person all the time. Just to talk, to walk, to laugh, to dance, to get lazy, to eat, to have a drink, to watch movie, to sing, to travel, to cook, to shop, to play, to sleep with… despite all annoying habits. You’re simply drawn and trapped and get addicted.

It sucks when we’re losing control, doesn’t it? It sucks even more when things get complicated and we can’t get out. Or we don’t want to get out cause the heart says so. And then, voila, there is suddenly this almost-perfect-person comes by with all things you always wish for. A person who is available and sweet and thoughtful and funny and settled and humble and want you, yet your heart says no.

Damn no, you can’t plan on the heart, you can’t control it. Consequently, many times you have to swallow the bitterness of not being with the person you really want to be with.

—–

My Heart
By Frank O’Hara

I’m not going to cry all the time
nor shall I laugh all the time,
I don’t prefer one “strain” to another.
I’d have the immediacy of a bad movie,
not just a sleeper, but also the big,
overproduced first-run kind. I want to be
at least as alive as the vulgar. And if
some aficionado of my mess says “That’s
not like Frank!”, all to the good! I
don’t wear brown and grey suits all the time,
do I? No. I wear workshirts to the opera,
often. I want my feet to be bare,
I want my face to be shaven, and my heart–
you can’t plan on the heart, but
the better part of it, my poetry, is open.

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Ingin Pergi Sebentar

Aku ingin pergi sebentar
Dari hiruk pikuk hidup yang penuh hitungan
Yang penuh muslihat dan tipuan
Yang penuh topeng-topeng menutupi kepalsuan

Aku ingin menghirup udara pagi yang bersih
Ingin mendengar suara burung bernyanyi
Ingin bercengkerama dengan ketulusan
Ingin bercanda dengan kesederhanaan

Aku tak ingin bertemu kamu
Kamu yang hanya menilai paras
Dan menghitung apa yang aku punya
Kamu yang tak benar-benar melihat hatiku

—–

Wanna Go for A While

I want to go for a while
From the hustle and bustle of life that is full of calculation
Full of artifice and deception
Full of masks cover the falsity

I want to breathe the fresh morning air
Want to hear the sound of singing birds
Want to mingle with sincerity
Want to joke with simplicity

I do not want to see you
You who judge only on my exterior
And analyze what I have

You who do not really see what’s inside me

—–