After the Breakup

This is a short story about heartbreak. About losing so many aspects in my life. Losing my faith in love and relationship. Losing my trust in me. Losing my pride. Losing my joy. Losing some reasons of my happiness, my peace of mind, my dream. I’m losing a man I once loved dearly.

I’m ready now to write down this wistful story. I have passed all those stages I read everywhere on the Internet. Interestingly, those stages are not actually sequential. It’s not that once you crossed one stage, you can only move forward to the next stage. No, it doesn’t work that way, especially when the breakup is relatively fresh (I said “relatively” because everyone has their own timeline, and that’s totally fine). I’m approaching my fourth month now from the breakup. I feel stronger than ever. I can see things more clearly and I understand and accept that the breakup was necessary, the breakup was the right thing.

One important thing I learned this time is: not to be so hard on myself. “Don’t beat yourself up!” Seriously. If you’re going through a breakup, for whatever reason and whatever circumstances, don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, take a good care of yourself. Acknowledge the pain (which may cause you doing things you won’t be proud of in a normal situation). Believe that you’re doing the best thing you could do at a given state of affairs. Always.

I still cry now and then. I’m torn. I feel my heart breaks again every time I realize that he fell out of love with me. Although I also don’t feel the way I used to feel about him. You know that feelings. How you don’t see the personality you were falling in love with. Getting to know each other more made us realized how different we are. We want very different things. He wants to always be surrounded by girls. At first, nothing about infidelity, it’s just the way he is. He loves being with girls. He loves being adored and admired for his physical features, his charisma, and his obsession about foreign culture. On the other hand, I don’t like men who flirts around. I found it tacky and unattractive. I might forget the fact that in the beginning he was flirting with me too, and I took the bait voluntarily :).

You know that phrase “one thing leads to another”? So yes, one thing lead to another. The flirting became more severe. I became so irritated thus the nagging followed relentlessly. Till at some point he got tired and took it beyond. He cheated on me. The first time was forgiven. But then there was the second, and third, and I lost count. And the day came. The day when we agreed to break our tie. We cried like we never did before. We loved each other that much.

Now, at this point I finally have everything sorted out clearly. That fog hanging on my head is lifted up. The reason of the breakup was so simple. We are not the right person for each other. We tried. We tried real hard to make it work, for the love reason. But he fell out of love too and I can’t work on this relationship alone.

It’s not easy to accept those facts. It’s actually really painful. Because it’s not just merely about losing the love, but about all those dreams and hopes that have been built are now shattered, drifted to the gutter.

But there is an up side. I’m not only losing in this game. I’m gaining too. Life lesson is the obvious and direct reward from the hardship. Strength, patience, new perspective, time to explore who I am and what I really want in a relationship and in life, and most  of all: detached happiness (the kind of happiness that starts inside me, not others).

That is the beauty of breakup. We actually become a better person. The Failed Relationship is like one subject in the University of Life and the real breakup is like the test we should go through and pass. By now I have taken this class several times and I know for sure at least I get a B+ this time. I don’t intend to attend this class again to get an A, though.

Lastly, when you’re going through a breakup, take your time to heal. Seek for support from your closest friends, perhaps family too (if you are close to them). Browse the Internet to get a wealth of tips and advice to help you; pick the ones suit you. Fortunately for us, it’s not a close book test :).

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Lightning

LightningLightning doesn’t strike once. It comes and goes, followed by the tumultuous thunder. Just as your traumatic pain.

After the first strike, you spend some dear time to mending the pieces of the damages. You feel die a little bit. You forget how to smile, you can’t sleep. Then you learn to accept and let go. Until after lots of long and gloomy nights, you finally declare yourself as well. You feel you’re healed. You feel fine and strong and relieved.

But, suddenly another lightning strikes again. This time, it ruins your wall and you find yourself trembling. The memories and emotions burst back into your mind, and you wish you can just rip them away. Then you cry in the corner. You are feeling sorry for yourself, feeling guilty for your ugly decision, feeling angry for all the things that didn’t go as you expected.

Then… it’s raining hard. You fall all over again. The tears pour down your face. The heartbeat goes irrepressible. The dream and reality come as one showing their advertisements. But you have no idea which one to go after. And… you creep into your safe place. You slowly restart building your wall. Survival act. You are afraid of another heartache.

Be patient – wise men said. There is no limit for patience. You can always stretch it as far as we need. Oh dear you, sometimes it’s not about being stronger to out of a storm. It’s about being more patient.

7 Attitudes to Survive in Jakarta

Let’s face it. Living in Jakarta is getting more and more ridiculously challenging (“challenging” is a word the optimists use which is actually synonymous to: hard, difficult, complicated, and tricky :D).

It will be a boring repetition, but I have to mention again why Jakarta is so (damn) not easy. The air is heavily polluted, the traffic is frustratingly congested, the rivers and canals sickeningly stink, and the living cost is relatively high. Above all, we still have to face various people who many of them are cynical, opportunist, individualistic, hypocritical, and depressed

 Having lived here for a few years gives me the idea to share some of my observations, conclusions, and (perhaps) tips to survive in this “lovely” city.

First, patience. You need it a LOT. You have to be patient. Most of the frustration you face in Jakarta is out of your control and there is nothing you can do but to be patient. Trust me in this. If you try too hard to make things under control (people are naturally control freaks), you will find yourself beaten up because you are helpless. If Fauzi Bowo can’t fix all those problems faced by the Jakartan, most likely, neither can you. So, why don’t you stop complaining and start establishing some smart tricks to get along well with the city?

Second, patience. Yes, after supplying so much patience to get along with everything, you still need to spare another form of patience in order to rejuvenate your spirit and energy. This second layer of patience will keep you willing to continue living the unhealthy metropolitan life.

Third, indifference. You don’t have to care about everything around you, including people’s opinion regarding you and what you’re doing. And since I am purely admirer of Paulo Coelho, I will happily quote his words: “what other people think about you is none of your business.”

Fourth, ignorance. Ignorance is bliss, you know. Although for the whole life you have been preached to always dig all knowledge in the world, sometimes being ignorant is harmless. What you don’t know will not hurt you.

Fifth, arrogance (or probably I should call it: confidence). Trust in yourself and believe that you’re a meaningful creature having some important missions to do. You are significant and you play an important role. Otherwise, you will feel miserable and useless and you will want to die.

Sixth, optimism. Nothing is eternal in this world, so is in Jakarta, so is the depression. Live your day lightly and calmly. Don’t take too hard on too many things. When you are drowned in so much trouble then take a deep breath and have your golden slumber. You deserve it. Afterwards, you may start planning some strategy to face all challenges. Everything will flow.

Seventh, respect. Other people are frustrated too. They also have to deal with their nagging wives, lazy husbands, naughty kids, stupid partners, annoying colleagues, never-ending tasks, corrupt government officers, or fraudulent real estate agent (hehehe). So, try to understand when sometimes they act unrealistically. We are all human anyway.

🙂

Patience is Endless

Plenty of times in your life you might ask: when can I stop being patient?

Is it when I eventually accomplish my dreams? Or is it when I know there is no other way to go? Now I know the answer to that question. It is: never, until you exhale your final breath. Maybe this is not new for you. Or maybe you expect me to answer differently? Well my friend, I think “never” is the correct answer.

At some point, life will treat us unfairly — this is the universal rule. Our narrow perspective will see these unfair:
– we fail after a very hard work or
– we achieve something effortlessly or
– we lose the loved ones or
– we surprisingly are loved by the loved ones.

But as we see the bigger picture, the wider viewpoint, we will realize how life has been moving as it should be. We are merely some small pawns living our life-scripts.

Don’t lose your patience. This is a powerful weapon to survive. Sometimes you are able to keep yourself sit still in silence and swallow your agony. Sometimes you need to stand up and fight for what you think is right or necessary. Both require patience. Both require you to embrace the life that has been given to you.

Yes, patience is endless
(= kesabaran itu nggak ada habisnya).

PS. I am naturally very impatient. Somehow I need to tell this — at least to myself, as a reminder when I am down.