I’m free!


To whom it may concern:

How happy I am to see that light comes only from darkness and shadows. So does happiness.

Today, one year ago, was a difficult time for us. For me; as I faced the biggest realisation that you’re gone from my life. And maybe for you; as you were in a confusing crossroad of uncertainties.

Today, I want to congratulate both of us for surviving the turmoil.

For you; to be free becoming who you really are, to be with the person you truly be happy with. And you two made it the whole year! I wish you two happiness.

For me; to strive and freely grow and bloom becoming the person I didn’t know I could be, a better me. It’s the anniversary of my courage and my heart’s freedom.

I understand now that we needed to be with each other back then, so we can be who we are today. It was part of self discovery, don’t you agree?

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Time to Heal

Healing takes time, but it will come. And when it does, you will find happiness so bright, you will be blind to all that once tormented you.

We can’t deliberately choose the memories we want to remember. I wish I could, but that’s just not the case, isn’t it?

I have this one scene of my childhood that vaguely stuck in my mind. I’m not quite sure about the year, maybe I was five. I only know I was really small that even stepping over a 50cm-wide-ditch was a huge problem.

It was a daring game. My neighbours had this silly challenge of jumping over a ditch in front of my house. I was doubtful and scared. I was unsure if I could make it. But it seemed so easy for everyone, I must do it. So they started to applaud, pushing me to do it. Jump! Jump! Jump!

So I did. I jumped. And… I missed the other side of the ditch. It happened so fast. I can’t remember how I got up from the bottom. I can’t remember how I walked towards my house. But I do remember I was so embarrased and scared of what would happen next. I remember my face was covered with blood dripping and I tried to wipe it off with my hands. I remember my mom stood by the door in awe and in a second she passed out. I remember my dad ran to my mom and carried her to the sofa in the living room, while I was standing still by the door not quite sure what to do. A couple of minutes later my dad came and carried me inside. And the scenes stopped there. I don’t remember the rest.

It happened almost three decades ago. No pain that I can remember. No scars as a souvenir either. It quickly became one of those light anecdotes I tell people when we play “your most embarrassing thing” game.

I was healed.

Our soul, unfortunately, heals in different pace, different way. We can’t really see the wound, thus makes it trickier to take care of. We can feel it there, in our brain, sending pain signal to our chest, pushing the tear glands to squeeze and shed some drops. Thankfully, crying is good and necessary.

Psychic tears are the crying tears produced as response to sadness, anger, frustration, or pain. These tears contain a natural painkiller. Yes, this act of crying releases what is called leucine-enkephalin, an endorphin that reduces pain and helps improve mood and reduce stress immediately. This is an important detox.

Therefore, it’s soothing to have a good cry. Although it’s addictive too. Our body is so amazing, isn’t it? It’s equipped with such a mechanism to help it coping with emotional breakdown. It might seem trivial, these psychic tears, but they significantly give remedy. Helping us to heal. Emotionally.

So hang in there. Take your time. Take a good cry. The time will come. You’ll be healed.

Somewhere Beyond the Sea (Part 3)

I like the most the back roll entry in scuba diving. It’s generally because I don’t have to bear the 15-something-kilos burden of the air tank and BCD and octopus and extra weights on me too long. I’d just sit by the edge of the boat and let may body roll backwards. Nice.

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Everything you need under water. Plus a good wet suit. Plus courage and determination.

Speaking of heavy burden, giant stride is obviously the method I’m most nervous doing. I’m not a big fan of jumping into water. And even though we are not supposed to jump, the idea of stepping forward into the water (with that burden) from about a meter high is not really my thing. Therefore, the other “lighter” method of wearing the equipment on the water surface, is also not really my favorite as I still need to jump into the water for it.

In life, however, I jump a lot (including jumping into conclusion ha ha). I often make giant steps too. I call myself courageous, but in some cases it’s merely being frivolous. Isn’t it fascinating to just do, to just close our eyes and jump?

I think I’m turning crazy about this diving thingy. But this how love feels like, doesn’t it? It’s an amazing feeling, really. Knowing how I fear of the limitless sea, the unknown darkness, the dependence on equipment wrapped in my body, the doubt if my body could handle the pressure (both physically and mentally) under water… Yet just like any other love, it’s simply beautiful to be in it. It’s beyond words.

I’m in love.

Somewhere Beyond the Sea (Part 2)

The very first lesson you will learn in diving is to breathe slowly and continuously, never holding it. The theory sessions will remind you over and over of how important that is to breathe. Slowly. Continuously.

Before the first dive. Contemplating if I should really get in.

It’s kind of worrying, to be frank. They showed a wide range of risks related to breathing only. Be it the air quality in the tank, the failure in the regulators, the descending and ascending techniques, and a little bit of physics from high school that suddenly bothers you again, hehe.

Equalizing is a very important method you need to master. You will experience change of pressure gradually and repetitively when you go up and down underwater. Do it as often as needed, that’s when you feel even a slight discomfort in your ears. Don’t inderestimate equalizing. Ignoring this simple step could seriously damage your ear. It’s always wiser to be careful.

So that’s the story for today. When you’re not underwater, you could still apply the theory. Keep breathing. Slowly. Continuously. It surprisingly will calm you down.

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Be careful what you want,
for you might get it.
The Universe is paying attention,
and conspires in making it happen.
.
And sometimes…
the Universe gives more than what you want,
It gives you what you need:
lessons for life.

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Silent Reading

It was early in my elementary school year, when I first learned about silent reading.

“Now open page 27 and read the paragraph silently,” my teacher said.

Bewildered, I opened my book and paused, wondering what that meant. I looked around and saw everyone staring, silently, at their books on their tables. Seemed easy.

So I looked back at mine, I opened my mouth, tried to start reading, but my voice came out. This is not right, I thought. I tried to read it again, this time I could manage to have my voice lower. The girl sitting next to me looked at me, amused.

“Just read it with your mouth closed,” she whispered.

So I did. But damn, that was impossible! Every time I try, I couldn’t do what seemed so easy for the rest of my classmates. I felt like an idiot. It was really frustrating. I spent the hours hoping the teacher would not ask me any questions.

The next day some kind of miracle happened.

It was a lazy afternoon when I pretended to be busy with an open book on my lap. I stared at the boring text there, contemplating words by words. AT first, it was just about going though words. Then I realized I was reading those words from the beginning to the end of that page. Voila! Just like that I started to read silently with my mouth shut. It was so magical.

After the Breakup

This is a short story about heartbreak. About losing so many aspects in my life. Losing my faith in love and relationship. Losing my trust in me. Losing my pride. Losing my joy. Losing some reasons of my happiness, my peace of mind, my dream. I’m losing a man I once loved dearly.

I’m ready now to write down this wistful story. I have passed all those stages I read everywhere on the Internet. Interestingly, those stages are not actually sequential. It’s not that once you crossed one stage, you can only move forward to the next stage. No, it doesn’t work that way, especially when the breakup is relatively fresh (I said “relatively” because everyone has their own timeline, and that’s totally fine). I’m approaching my fourth month now from the breakup. I feel stronger than ever. I can see things more clearly and I understand and accept that the breakup was necessary, the breakup was the right thing.

One important thing I learned this time is: not to be so hard on myself. “Don’t beat yourself up!” Seriously. If you’re going through a breakup, for whatever reason and whatever circumstances, don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, take a good care of yourself. Acknowledge the pain (which may cause you doing things you won’t be proud of in a normal situation). Believe that you’re doing the best thing you could do at a given state of affairs. Always.

I still cry now and then. I’m torn. I feel my heart breaks again every time I realize that he fell out of love with me. Although I also don’t feel the way I used to feel about him. You know that feelings. How you don’t see the personality you were falling in love with. Getting to know each other more made us realized how different we are. We want very different things. He wants to always be surrounded by girls. At first, nothing about infidelity, it’s just the way he is. He loves being with girls. He loves being adored and admired for his physical features, his charisma, and his obsession about foreign culture. On the other hand, I don’t like men who flirts around. I found it tacky and unattractive. I might forget the fact that in the beginning he was flirting with me too, and I took the bait voluntarily :).

You know that phrase “one thing leads to another”? So yes, one thing lead to another. The flirting became more severe. I became so irritated thus the nagging followed relentlessly. Till at some point he got tired and took it beyond. He cheated on me. The first time was forgiven. But then there was the second, and third, and I lost count. And the day came. The day when we agreed to break our tie. We cried like we never did before. We loved each other that much.

Now, at this point I finally have everything sorted out clearly. That fog hanging on my head is lifted up. The reason of the breakup was so simple. We are not the right person for each other. We tried. We tried real hard to make it work, for the love reason. But he fell out of love too and I can’t work on this relationship alone.

It’s not easy to accept those facts. It’s actually really painful. Because it’s not just merely about losing the love, but about all those dreams and hopes that have been built are now shattered, drifted to the gutter.

But there is an up side. I’m not only losing in this game. I’m gaining too. Life lesson is the obvious and direct reward from the hardship. Strength, patience, new perspective, time to explore who I am and what I really want in a relationship and in life, and most  of all: detached happiness (the kind of happiness that starts inside me, not others).

That is the beauty of breakup. We actually become a better person. The Failed Relationship is like one subject in the University of Life and the real breakup is like the test we should go through and pass. By now I have taken this class several times and I know for sure at least I get a B+ this time. I don’t intend to attend this class again to get an A, though.

Lastly, when you’re going through a breakup, take your time to heal. Seek for support from your closest friends, perhaps family too (if you are close to them). Browse the Internet to get a wealth of tips and advice to help you; pick the ones suit you. Fortunately for us, it’s not a close book test :).