After the Breakup

This is a short story about heartbreak. About losing so many aspects in my life. Losing my faith in love and relationship. Losing my trust in me. Losing my pride. Losing my joy. Losing some reasons of my happiness, my peace of mind, my dream. I’m losing a man I once loved dearly.

I’m ready now to write down this wistful story. I have passed all those stages I read everywhere on the Internet. Interestingly, those stages are not actually sequential. It’s not that once you crossed one stage, you can only move forward to the next stage. No, it doesn’t work that way, especially when the breakup is relatively fresh (I said “relatively” because everyone has their own timeline, and that’s totally fine). I’m approaching my fourth month now from the breakup. I feel stronger than ever. I can see things more clearly and I understand and accept that the breakup was necessary, the breakup was the right thing.

One important thing I learned this time is: not to be so hard on myself. “Don’t beat yourself up!” Seriously. If you’re going through a breakup, for whatever reason and whatever circumstances, don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, take a good care of yourself. Acknowledge the pain (which may cause you doing things you won’t be proud of in a normal situation). Believe that you’re doing the best thing you could do at a given state of affairs. Always.

I still cry now and then. I’m torn. I feel my heart breaks again every time I realize that he fell out of love with me. Although I also don’t feel the way I used to feel about him. You know that feelings. How you don’t see the personality you were falling in love with. Getting to know each other more made us realized how different we are. We want very different things. He wants to always be surrounded by girls. At first, nothing about infidelity, it’s just the way he is. He loves being with girls. He loves being adored and admired for his physical features, his charisma, and his obsession about foreign culture. On the other hand, I don’t like men who flirts around. I found it tacky and unattractive. I might forget the fact that in the beginning he was flirting with me too, and I took the bait voluntarily :).

You know that phrase “one thing leads to another”? So yes, one thing lead to another. The flirting became more severe. I became so irritated thus the nagging followed relentlessly. Till at some point he got tired and took it beyond. He cheated on me. The first time was forgiven. But then there was the second, and third, and I lost count. And the day came. The day when we agreed to break our tie. We cried like we never did before. We loved each other that much.

Now, at this point I finally have everything sorted out clearly. That fog hanging on my head is lifted up. The reason of the breakup was so simple. We are not the right person for each other. We tried. We tried real hard to make it work, for the love reason. But he fell out of love too and I can’t work on this relationship alone.

It’s not easy to accept those facts. It’s actually really painful. Because it’s not just merely about losing the love, but about all those dreams and hopes that have been built are now shattered, drifted to the gutter.

But there is an up side. I’m not only losing in this game. I’m gaining too. Life lesson is the obvious and direct reward from the hardship. Strength, patience, new perspective, time to explore who I am and what I really want in a relationship and in life, and most  of all: detached happiness (the kind of happiness that starts inside me, not others).

That is the beauty of breakup. We actually become a better person. The Failed Relationship is like one subject in the University of Life and the real breakup is like the test we should go through and pass. By now I have taken this class several times and I know for sure at least I get a B+ this time. I don’t intend to attend this class again to get an A, though.

Lastly, when you’re going through a breakup, take your time to heal. Seek for support from your closest friends, perhaps family too (if you are close to them). Browse the Internet to get a wealth of tips and advice to help you; pick the ones suit you. Fortunately for us, it’s not a close book test :).

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The Happiness Formula

Happiness is 50% genetics, 10% circumstances, and 40% intention, some studies say. Bummer! No wonder people have different temperament and contentment. We were born with certain portion of “talent” to be happy. That means we cannot control this 50% of our happiness level.

So let’s say, hypothetically, I’m genetically not a happy person. If I’m married to a person with bad “happiness genes” and we make babies, these babies will be genetically doomed. Won’t they?

The good thing is, we can actually control the rest 50% to be happy. Or happier. That 10% accounts to life circumstances like personal experiences, occupation, health, income, religious beliefs, status, age, gender, geographic factors like where we live. We can “work” on some of those. However, we shouldn’t put efforts solely to achieve these factors because the other big portion is actually what’s happening in our head, what’s in our recent past, and the intentional activities we choose to do. The bad news is, it’s not easy to control. It requires effort.

Happiness Proportion

But take my advice. Every time you feel upset or sad or unhappy, don’t bother too much. Maybe it’s just your genes. Hehehe 😀 😀 :D.

Finding Happiness

Suddenly I don’t feel guilty of being lazy. But damn, genetic contributes 50% to our happiness?

bhutan chronicles

“Stop running. Happiness has been chasing you all this time…”

Moving to Bhutan does funny things for one’s happiness. Increasingly famous for developing the concept of Gross National Happiness, Bhutan is the first country many people think of when asked to name the happiest place on earth. This has even led the Tourism Council of Bhutan to adopt the slogan, “Happiness is a Place”. Happiness is much more than a place, but indeed, Bhutan has been a great place for me to learn about my own happiness.

People often ask me if I am happier here, and whether those around me are truly the happiest people in the world. The answers to such questions are at first complicated, and eventually simple. People here are not in a race to be happier or happiest. I was amazed to learn recently that the happiness of an individual is 50% genetic, 40% attitude…

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Still Looking

I’ve been unhappy since… since I can’t remember. Some of you might see me as an ungrateful person right away. Well, you have the right to do so. But, it is good to hear people grumbling about their imperfect life, isn’t it? You will feel normal. You will know that you’re not alone. Look! Even Amalia is unhappy! 😀

Okay, okay, maybe unhappy is such a too strong word. Of course I am happy at times. I am happy when I get my wonderful mark. I am happy when I get a full plate of nasi padang Sari Ratu with gulai otak. I am happy when I watch Sondre Lerche live. I am happy when my haircut looks cute. I am happy when I can sleep 12 hours in a day. I am happy when I get a seat on the bus.

Yeah, it is true. “Happy” is not the word. I should use other term like… um… “content”? Ah, but don’t make me write a long and boring definition and explanation on the difference between happiness and contentment. No, thank you very much. You search it yourself, please :D.

However, for the sake of simplicity, let me call it happy and happiness. Just know that sometimes what I actually mean is “content” and “contentment.”

Here is the thing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what will make me happy. I thought, a cool job will make me happy. It’s not. I thought love will make happy. It’s not. I thought, a pretty dress with incredibly soft fabric will make happy. It’s a big NO. I feel something is missing in my life. I thought, I know what it is. Well, I don’t.

—– thinking process —–

Nothing to do with the topic of this post. But I find it amusing 🙂

I think I should write another book. I remember clearly how happy I was in the whole process of publishing a book. The writing process, the editing, the cover designing, the launching, the talk shows, and all. I felt existed. I felt alive. I felt important. I felt pretty. I felt smart. I felt creative. I felt rich. I felt happy. I felt content.

So why don’t start it like… now? Now your ass! (pardon my language). I have my reason.

Some people believe that writing a novel is about persistence dan discipline. I believe so. But I also believe that to be in persistence stage, I need to take the very first step. The step which is beyond my control. The step of being chosen. Being chosen by the inspiration that picks my brain to transform it into words… pages of words. Writers don’t look for an inspiration. The inspiration comes to them. Just like magic.

I am unhappy. I keep too much jealousy in my mind. And at times like this, I miss my old me. The part of me which is strong and confident. Which needs no man to put a smile on my face. So, this is about a man? Or some stupid men that don’t treat me as I expected? You will soon laugh because I will say… yes. Some stupid men (and some stupid women too) have brought my mood and my self-assurance down.

Ugh, this writing becomes a useless ranting. I shouldn’t post it because it will be poisoning my “lately-well-mannered” blog. But… WTH! I am sure lots of people out there enjoying someone’s desperation. So are you.

So, let me entertain you.

😀 –> fake smiley 😀