Long distance relationship is lonely. Really lonely. Sometimes the missing feeling is just unbearable. It’s worse than being single. You go to a party alone, dance alone, eat alone, sleep alone, and you deal with all your problems all alone. When you need some hugs, you hug an empty air. When you need to lay your head for comfort, you end up crying on your pillow.
Long distance relationship is lonely. You can only text your longing feeling. You chat about your day through phone calls. You have dinner by Skype. You share songs to listen on Youtube. You share articles or books to read together and talk about it. You send virtual kisses and exchange “I miss you”s.
What keeps you stay is that you love him. Or you love the idea of him. And that he says he loves you too. And your hope that soon you will be together. So you could go to a party together, dance as a couple, eat at a table for two, sleep with him next to you, and suddenly you don’t see any problems to deal with. When you need some hugs, you will get a decent one. When you need to lay your troubles down, you will get a strong shoulder to comfort you.
Although I am known as a brave girl, a picture like this really scares me off!
It’s a strange cold night. I’m not quite sure why. Maybe it’s the AC (it’s only 22 degree though). It could also be the movie (I watched this Anne Hathaway‘s movie titled One Day for the second time). It got me so melancholic and teary.
Feeling cold like this always reminds me to the idea (or the fact – more precisely) that I’m alone. It sucks, you must know it. I went home early today and met with the guy who will renovate one of my rooms. It was entertaining. I made the design, chose the wallpaper, and decided some materials for finishing. He was quite nice and helpful. I cooked my dinner afterwards; watercress stir-fry, fried tofu, and chicken with oyster sauce. I have to say it was delicious. I ate alone, watching that depressing movie. I felt like Bridget Jones – with the All By Myself soundtrack as the back sound.
Loneliness eats you up, you know. It makes you feel useless and worthless. I mean… what’s the point of living in this complicated and manipulative world if you are no use to anyone? You shouldn’t be alone. I shouldn’t be alone. I can be more useful if I were at least with someone. But the fact remains: here I am – in my comfy home cooking with simple utensils, eating in my couch, watching a sad movie. Fantastic.
I’m kinda bored. It’s been long years of searching, trying, learning, keeping, and of course… letting go. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t stop trying and believing that my time will come. But some other times I just tell myself maybe there is no such “my time” – time of enjoying life not-alone, oh I’m sure you really do know what I mean.
Hmm wait, I’m babbling now. Where was I? Being alone? Ah… still there? Oh shit, haven’t I learned anything?
The movie is over now, so is my dinner. And I suddenly remember this one video on youtube introduced by a good friend of mine. It’s titled How to Be Alone. It’s not overall perfect, but it somehow may help you pass your lonely nights… or days… whatever. Enjoy!
Tick tock tick tock
The clock’s mocking me
How old are you now? He asked
Twenty five – I said
You look like forty five. He smirked
I tossed my pillow
He fell – I could still hear he’s laughing
Tick tock tick tock
The clock’s murmuring
Your bed is always empty and cold
You sleep on the same pillow
Although you have four
Your biological clock’s racing
Oh, don’t waste your time anymore
Tick tock tick tock
I snatch my sleeping pills
Thinking of swallowing one or nine
Thinking of sleeping for awhile or just die
And think of mom and dad
How unfair to squander their efforts through these years
But… how unfair to hurl me in this scary world without my consent!
Tick tock tick tock
It’s only twenty seven minutes to dawn…
And the sun will soon come
And the dew
And your smile
For that… I guess I can live another day
I am old and I am nobody
I am not somebody’s lover
I am not somebody’s spouse
I am not somebody’s parent
Oh I miss the feeling of being wanted
That someone wants me in most of the precious time
That someone is around when I need to
Oh I miss the feeling of being loved
That someone adores me
And always puts me as priority
Oh I miss the feeling of being needed
That some little ones cling on me
That I can make them feel secure and comfy
Yes I am getting older now, and getting lonelier
I am happy at times, but am desperate too when things are tough
I am stronger and more independent than ever
But am getting sick of taking care of everything
By my own little hands, my own tired brain, my own empty soul
Now that I am older
The skin is wrinkling, the spirit is vanishing
Chances are thinning, options are shrinking
Hopes are diminishing
Now that I am older, I can see things more clearly
I can see love, I can see lust
I can see honesty, I can see lies
I can see sincerity, I can see hypocrisy
I can see sympathy, I can see pity
Now that I am older, honey, I truly wish you were here…
Poor dog, isn't he?
What matters is the good intention. You must have heard that wisdom. That is NONSENSE. People don’t see the intention. People see only the act. No matter how good your intention is, people will only judge what you do. That is why many people are so busy kissing ass, wearing mask, pretending to do a noble deed, or even pretending to do evil. Intention is something subtle. We can’t really see it. Although, we can actually feel it.
Lately I have given out so much energy and emotion to the things I did: my job, friends, and people I care about. None of them is well appreciated.
Well, sometime in your life, you have tried to do your best and you believe that you do your best, it turns out: only you who understand the good in it. All the efforts, the energy, the thought, the money, the sweat, the tears, the time, and the good intention are in vain. Sometimes it is because people don’t think you do well enough. Some other times people think it is better if you do nothing.
I am not a great pretender. I am pretty far from that. So when it comes to people can’t see the good I did, it breaks my heart. Big time.
This is an emotional post, I know. So what? This is what I feel inside, this is what people see. Don’t you care less on what my intention on writing this? No, of course you don’t care. All you care about is that this post is here. Out. Able to be read. Or, you don’t care at all. WTH! This is my room of honesty. This is where I can yell out loud and pour my heart out through my writing.
Intention. What a lonely word that is.