Contradictory Wisdom

“Life is what we make it”, they say. But hey, they also say “what will be, will be”.

Isn’t it rather annoying how the wise men always have something to say for certain circumstances in life? When something happens, a wisdom shared, people accept and use it to help them getting through difficult time. Let’s see this one as an example:

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

That wisdom has been helping couples in going through (temporary) separation. Some might find a way back, some are lost, some have to deal with the fact that absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. Because you know… there is another wisdom:

Out of sight, out of mind.

Isn’t it amusing?

When things get rough in our relationship, we’d like to believe that this is the thing worth fighting for. Every couple goes through difficult times and many come out alive and stronger, holding on to the following wisdom:

You can’t just give up on someone just because the situation is not ideal. Great relationships aren’t great because they have no problems. They’re great because both people care enough about the other person to find a way to make it work.

On the other hand, there is this poet who fabricates a metaphor, helping our insensitive senses and mechanical brain to comprehend life and figure out its puzzling course. She created “the bridge”. It’s simple. It’s spot-on. It’s crystal clear.

Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.
Nayyirah Waheed

Another contradiction between one wisdom to another is the ones related to confidence or optimism. You must have heard this famous advice to:

Fake it till you make it.

Many actually follow and apply this in life–mostly working life–to boost their confidence fueled with great optimism. The underlined idea of “faking it until making it” is about developing some habits to eventually becoming part of who we are. We’re talking about good habits of course. You fake doing the habits of successful people. If you’re persistent enough, without you realize it you become one of those successful people.

How? Well, George Costanza has some practical tips for that :D.

On the other hand, some experts say “fake it til you make it” is a bad advice. Confidence should not be about pretending or acting. Because no matter how good you’re faking it, people can tell. There are some uncontrollable traits that will show the ultimate truth of who you are and how you really feel. What about letting your confidence emerge from your real accomplishment? No matter how small and simple accomplishment that is.

It’s dilemmatic in a way: which wisdom should we trust?

wise-contra

Click here for more contradictory proverbs.

LDR is lonely

Long distance relationship is lonely. Really lonely. Sometimes the missing feeling is just unbearable. It’s worse than being single. You go to a party alone, dance alone, eat alone, sleep alone, and you deal with all your problems all alone. When you need some hugs, you hug an empty air. When you need to lay your head for comfort, you end up crying on your pillow.

Long distance relationship is lonely. You can only text your longing feeling. You chat about your day through phone calls. You have dinner by Skype. You share songs to listen on Youtube. You share articles or books to read together and talk about it. You send virtual kisses and exchange “I miss you”s.

What keeps you stay is that you love him. Or you love the idea of him. And that he says he loves you too. And your hope that soon you will be together. So you could go to a party together, dance as a couple, eat at a table for two, sleep with him next to you, and suddenly you don’t see any problems to deal with. When you need some hugs, you will get a decent one. When you need to lay your troubles down, you will get a strong shoulder to comfort you.

The L Word

Rain - crop

“I love you,” she whispered in my ear. And that was it. I suddenly think I don’t need anything else in this life. I’ve never said that word to her (maybe I should, then she could say ‘I love you too’), but hell, it feels so damn good this way.

She loves me. Yes yes yes! Hahaha… I mean, she is gorgeous. She is fierce but funny, she is independent but needy, and despite her being obnoxious at times, she is actually sweet. I am not sure why she loves me. But she does and that’s all I need to know.

Getting overwhelmed by that L word (which I rarely use myself), my radar has become sensitive and it easily spots the word when it’s out there. Especially when it comes from her and damn! I just realised she says that word a LOT.

“Oh, I love this purple dress!” So, she loves the dress. Although I must admit she looks wonderful in it, but… loves it?

“You know, I really love chocolate Soufflé at Otel Lobby!” It takes twenty minutes to have the Soufflé and she joked she loves it because it will give us twenty minutes more together. What a sweet cheesy line of her. But since when a person really loves chocolate?

“I love Robbie Williams!” who the hell is Robbie Williams? Um, I smell a competition here.

“I love rain…” she said softly while holding me tighter. That makes me appreciate the rain more.

And… “I love you,” she said again with her sparkling eyes. I smile, for a second feel doubtful if her ‘I love you’ to me is special. What is this love? Is it the same love to that purple dress? Or that Soufflé? Or that fucking British dude (yes, googled him)? Or even the rain?

Strangely, I am afraid the answer is yes. I think I fall in love with her. And mine is definitely different from my feeling to any dress, food, dudes, or rain – no matter how peaceful and calming it is.

“I think I love you too,” I said with inexplicable jealousy.

“You think or you know?” she asked.

Damn, what’s the difference? I then just shut her mouth.


Painting by Leonid Afremov

Why am I still single?

Oooops... :D_

“Why are you still single?”

I heard that question quite often, and I heard that again recently – coming from a stranger I met for the first time. That is normally not an easy question to answer. So I replied with another question (just to linger – while looking for a cool response):

“Why? Why do you ask why?”

Fortunately, I got a sweet reply: “Because you’re gorgeous. I assume there are many guys attracted to you.” (* flirty alert! * But I took that as a compliment :-)).

Well, I wish I had a sophisticated answer on “why are you still single” question. I never do. In fact, I don’t know exactly why I am still single until now. I mean… I don’t do it in purpose. I mean… if I had another option, I probably would take that.

My usual melancholic (and not-at-all sophisticated) answer is: because I haven’t found someone to change my single status to married. Some other times… I – with a wide smile – would say: that someone hasn’t found me yet.

🙂

I’m pretty sure that people naturally tend to coupled – to have someone who acts as a long-lasting partner in life. Two is better than one. However, life indeed does not always follow the universal rule. Therefore, some people (in much less percentage, I believe) prefer to stay single – not to even have a steady relationship.

“Are you too busy?”

That is a common question following the first one. The answer is definitely no. I am not busy. I have plenty time to sleep, to shop, to dine out, to clean the house, to do laundry, to play sudoku, and even to write a random post for my blog (as I do today). So… no. I work forty hours a week (sometimes a bit more), but I do have so much time set aside for my personal business.

But well, being too busy is a good excuse of being single :-). I am grateful to live in this busy city and seem to have a busy life. Things would be much harder to bear if I were unemployed in a small town. Lucky me!

“You are too picky.”

That is a common accusation of my being single. Perhaps it’s not totally wrong, even though it doesn’t sound so right. I admit that sometimes I am so shallow-minded, too lazy in building relationship for some ridiculous reasons i.e. he’s not cute, he doesn’t have a cool job, he doesn’t laugh at my joke, he’s too short, he is too skinny, he’s bald, or that he’s too hairy :-). Okay okay, I am picky, but NOT too picky :-). Because I can actually handle a wide range of men with different background and interest. I don’t mind to hangout in a fancy restaurant or a middle-class warung, an expensive night-club or a cheap bar, a classy bookstore or a dark one which sells old-second-hand books, a lovely Seibu or a crowded ITC, an outdoor activity or simply playing cards or crosswords at home…

A single friend jokes around on this topic by saying that she is not picky… because she doesn’t even have options to pick :D.

Ya ya… the older we get, we should be smarter to provide funny-ironic ways in addressing status-related questions.

Back to the first question…

So, why am I still single? When I really think about it… maybe because I am better off this way (I doubt that!). Maybe I’m still on my way to become a better person (really? am I not good enough?). Maybe I am not ready to be in a serious commitment (oh I think I am! :-)). Maybe my life would be perfect if I finally take off my single blanket… and we all know that nothing is perfect in this challenging world. Or! Maybe I simply haven’t found the one who could make me say “I do.”

Ah, why don’t people just stop asking such question?

🙂

Three-Day Rule (a break-up tips)

It takes three days for a brain to adapt…. Three days for the universe to turn right side up again. (Bones)

I like numbers. I like everything quantified, including some rules on heartbreak. The three-day rule. The six-month rule. The half-time-of-how-long-you’ve-been-together rule. Well, they don’t always work exactly like that. But… keeping those rules in mind helps me stay optimistic… and that everything will be just fine.

She is my hero. Click here to check out the trailer of one of my favorite episodes of BONES.

Wait a minute. Heartbreak? Again? Well, yes. One more time and maybe it won’t be last. But this is a way we all have to experience, isn’t it?

Shortly, here is the story. On one fine day, the love-of-my-life admitted that he fell out of love. He said it happened for quite a while but he didn’t want to tell me because he was afraid of losing me completely (*dumb ass*). This love-of-my-life was confused about how he felt about me. “I miss you, so I guess that must be love,” he said (*love your ass!* I said silently). You’d know if you love someone. You don’t guess. Oh! What a stab!

What is the sign that you’re in love? It is when all those songs make sense. (Castle)

Anyways, as we grow older, we should act as an adult and face the agony more gracefully. There is no better option. Sometimes it’s better to keep silent and act happy as if things go so well. It’s not pretending. It’s merely an act of respecting others because every single person has their own problem and misery. Keep that smile on your face. It helps.

So, here I am. Sad yet okay. And I’d like to provide you some suggestions to handle such situation called a break-up. It won’t be easy, of course. But since we all will have to face it, why don’t try these advice?

1. Accept

Accept that it’s over. Don’t hope for a miracle that s/he will come begging you to get back with them. No, no. You must have watched too many romantic movies. That scenario doesn’t really happen in real life. Let go! I know it hurts knowing that you have spent so much feeling and energy on someone, only to know in the end that they don’t feel the same way or that the situation is so fucked up, beyond control. But hey, shits happen all the time, but life goes on. Accept, then let go. Accept… then… let go…

2. Entertain yourself

Messy floor 🙂

A break-up will put you at the bottom of your pride. So you need to push yourself up again. How? Do fun things such as: shopping, speeding, throwing and breaking things :-). Hehe, I actually did the latest and honestly, it caused another upsetting experience.

It was the first time I got so angry about a break-up. Usually, I am just sad and depressed. But that time was quite different. I felt so much anger because my pride was torn apart so terribly. Voila, I threw things against my wall. I cursed. I hit things. I kicked things. I cried. I fell asleep and woke up with swollen eyes and got upset when stepping my feet on the messy floor. I then laughed and cried while cleaning the mess :-).

3. Don’t blame

Never ever blame yourself. The break-up is already hard and hurtful, you don’t have to dump another crap on you. Don’t blame her/him either. Nor God, hehe. Just simply don’t blame anybody or anything. Because blaming is just a defensive mechanism to make us feel better. Break-up happens all the time. It’s not a unique experience and trust me, you’re not the most miserable person in the world :-).

4. Focus on yourself

Please focus on yourself this time. It’s all about you and you alone. It’s about how to heal the pain, how to relieve the burden and the shame, how to mend the broken heart, and how to stand tall again. Don’t bother yourself thinking what s/he might think about you, or how s/he will deal with their pain or how s/he will be happy with someone else anytime soon (or they already are). That’s not your business. It’s already complicated to handle one heart (yours) why hassle yourself with hers/his?

It takes six months to heal a broken heart. “But I have spent six months and I am still sad.” So you should give yourself another six months. And another six months. And another six months until you’re recovered. That’s how it works. (Eat, Pray, Love)

5. Move on

Yes, the very last thing you should do is to move on. One failed relationship doesn’t mean the world is over. I had several futile relationships and plenty rejections… yet I continue falling in and out of love, continue making mistakes too and learn from each heartbreaking experience. So do you, so will you. Nothing is eternal, my friends. Not your happiness, nor your sadness. It’s rainy and cloudy now, but sun will shine again. Don’t stop your pursuit of happiness. It’s a never-ending effort. Be patient :-).

—–

Eventually, one day… magic will happen. You will wake up and see things differently. Just like that. Just like magic. You’ll be healed.