That L Word

Rain WindowIt was one chilly night with the rain pouring when he (finally) said that he thinks he love me too. What a lousy respond to my “I love you”. Normal people would just say “I love you too”. But no, he is not normal yet I’m stuck on him.

It took him over a year to declare his love and to be honest I don’t understand how I can stand this anti-romance attitude of him. I’m hopelessly romantic and sensitive and melancholic and insecure too at times. Being with him really pushes me to the edge of imperviousness and endurance. But damn, am I enjoying it? Although yeah, there is this rush of adrenaline coming from the fear of fall. Fall in love.

In his defense, it is too dramatic for him who’s not used to express his feelings openly. So it may be scary for him to say something vulgar like “I love you”. Maybe it has something to do also with he’s not sure of how he feels. Moreover, what more can I expect? We live in a world where “fuck you” is more acceptable than “I love you”. People utter hatred more easily than speak of affectionate and endearing words.

But I love him. Well, I think I do. And I think it was a mistake of saying it first. I should just shut my mouth after saying I love the rain. But in my defense, at that time the universe was like teasing me and I could hear some inner voice was even mocking me call me a coward. Just say how you feel… let him know…

Oh! Stupid inner voice! I could see his face turned red. Now that he said he thinks he love me too, I don’t buy it. It was just him being proper – choosing any responses instead of saying nothing.

So I then asked him, “You think or you know?”

He went silent, swiftly kissed me passionately instead.

The L Word

Rain - crop

“I love you,” she whispered in my ear. And that was it. I suddenly think I don’t need anything else in this life. I’ve never said that word to her (maybe I should, then she could say ‘I love you too’), but hell, it feels so damn good this way.

She loves me. Yes yes yes! Hahaha… I mean, she is gorgeous. She is fierce but funny, she is independent but needy, and despite her being obnoxious at times, she is actually sweet. I am not sure why she loves me. But she does and that’s all I need to know.

Getting overwhelmed by that L word (which I rarely use myself), my radar has become sensitive and it easily spots the word when it’s out there. Especially when it comes from her and damn! I just realised she says that word a LOT.

“Oh, I love this purple dress!” So, she loves the dress. Although I must admit she looks wonderful in it, but… loves it?

“You know, I really love chocolate Soufflé at Otel Lobby!” It takes twenty minutes to have the Soufflé and she joked she loves it because it will give us twenty minutes more together. What a sweet cheesy line of her. But since when a person really loves chocolate?

“I love Robbie Williams!” who the hell is Robbie Williams? Um, I smell a competition here.

“I love rain…” she said softly while holding me tighter. That makes me appreciate the rain more.

And… “I love you,” she said again with her sparkling eyes. I smile, for a second feel doubtful if her ‘I love you’ to me is special. What is this love? Is it the same love to that purple dress? Or that Soufflé? Or that fucking British dude (yes, googled him)? Or even the rain?

Strangely, I am afraid the answer is yes. I think I fall in love with her. And mine is definitely different from my feeling to any dress, food, dudes, or rain – no matter how peaceful and calming it is.

“I think I love you too,” I said with inexplicable jealousy.

“You think or you know?” she asked.

Damn, what’s the difference? I then just shut her mouth.


Painting by Leonid Afremov

Don’t be sad, it’s only rainy

RainThere is one phrase you always keep dearly; it’s the title of one famous book “La Tahzan”, don’t be sad—the three words that all the time beautifully remind you to not be sad.

It’s rainy lately and getting up for work is a little harder. Just a little, because work is apparently a fun place to go. But no, don’t be sad, it’s only rainy. It’s only you walk by with your purple umbrella, your feet get wet and some splashes hit your trousers leaving brownish marks. You think of how convenient to be in that posh white city car or how easy to cut through the traffic on that scooter. But when you stand on the crossing bridge you end up thanking God of being at where you are.

You love rain, don’t you? You love the fresh air sensation it brings. And the water that drops magically from the sky. And you smile imagining your physics teacher would refuse to call it magic. And of course you love the excuse for you to stay longer under your blanket.  And the addictive lonely feeling. And the longing of someone you miss deeply. But you can’t be sad, it’s only rainy.

So, there is one phrase I always keep dearly; it’s the title of one famous book “La Tahzan”, don’t be sad—the three words that all the time beautifully remind me to not be sad. But for the love of God, sometimes I’m sad anyway, especially when it’s rainy.