After the Breakup

This is a short story about heartbreak. About losing so many aspects in my life. Losing my faith in love and relationship. Losing my trust in me. Losing my pride. Losing my joy. Losing some reasons of my happiness, my peace of mind, my dream. I’m losing a man I once loved dearly.

I’m ready now to write down this wistful story. I have passed all those stages I read everywhere on the Internet. Interestingly, those stages are not actually sequential. It’s not that once you crossed one stage, you can only move forward to the next stage. No, it doesn’t work that way, especially when the breakup is relatively fresh (I said “relatively” because everyone has their own timeline, and that’s totally fine). I’m approaching my fourth month now from the breakup. I feel stronger than ever. I can see things more clearly and I understand and accept that the breakup was necessary, the breakup was the right thing.

One important thing I learned this time is: not to be so hard on myself. “Don’t beat yourself up!” Seriously. If you’re going through a breakup, for whatever reason and whatever circumstances, don’t be too hard on yourself. Instead, take a good care of yourself. Acknowledge the pain (which may cause you doing things you won’t be proud of in a normal situation). Believe that you’re doing the best thing you could do at a given state of affairs. Always.

I still cry now and then. I’m torn. I feel my heart breaks again every time I realize that he fell out of love with me. Although I also don’t feel the way I used to feel about him. You know that feelings. How you don’t see the personality you were falling in love with. Getting to know each other more made us realized how different we are. We want very different things. He wants to always be surrounded by girls. At first, nothing about infidelity, it’s just the way he is. He loves being with girls. He loves being adored and admired for his physical features, his charisma, and his obsession about foreign culture. On the other hand, I don’t like men who flirts around. I found it tacky and unattractive. I might forget the fact that in the beginning he was flirting with me too, and I took the bait voluntarily :).

You know that phrase “one thing leads to another”? So yes, one thing lead to another. The flirting became more severe. I became so irritated thus the nagging followed relentlessly. Till at some point he got tired and took it beyond. He cheated on me. The first time was forgiven. But then there was the second, and third, and I lost count. And the day came. The day when we agreed to break our tie. We cried like we never did before. We loved each other that much.

Now, at this point I finally have everything sorted out clearly. That fog hanging on my head is lifted up. The reason of the breakup was so simple. We are not the right person for each other. We tried. We tried real hard to make it work, for the love reason. But he fell out of love too and I can’t work on this relationship alone.

It’s not easy to accept those facts. It’s actually really painful. Because it’s not just merely about losing the love, but about all those dreams and hopes that have been built are now shattered, drifted to the gutter.

But there is an up side. I’m not only losing in this game. I’m gaining too. Life lesson is the obvious and direct reward from the hardship. Strength, patience, new perspective, time to explore who I am and what I really want in a relationship and in life, and most  of all: detached happiness (the kind of happiness that starts inside me, not others).

That is the beauty of breakup. We actually become a better person. The Failed Relationship is like one subject in the University of Life and the real breakup is like the test we should go through and pass. By now I have taken this class several times and I know for sure at least I get a B+ this time. I don’t intend to attend this class again to get an A, though.

Lastly, when you’re going through a breakup, take your time to heal. Seek for support from your closest friends, perhaps family too (if you are close to them). Browse the Internet to get a wealth of tips and advice to help you; pick the ones suit you. Fortunately for us, it’s not a close book test :).

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Playing Victim

Playing victim is one way to make us feel better during tribulation. Well, for about ten minutes. It is a form of consolation and definitely not a solution. When we play victim, the very obvious act is putting blame on others – anything and anyone.


When it happens?

It usually happens when someone did something perceived as “wrong” (and actually knowing it) so they use this “card” as justification – that s/he is just a victim of circumstances and not the one causing it. Some other times, it happens as form of anger and dissatisfaction which s/he doesn’t know how to solve.

Some signs of such behaviour are when you scream out something like:

“Damn! I come late again at work because of the terrible traffic. Thanks to the government who does nothing to mitigate it. Oh! The city is just over-populated with too many private cars running on too few roads.”
(You can always wake up and leave earlier)

“ I’ve been awake for twenty-two hours and still can’t sleep. Work is never-ending, my roommates are loud, my bed is too small, and the roof leaks, not to mention the mosquitoes! When will this misery end?”
(Move!)

“Oh why this happens to me? My ex has a girlfriend already. He is so winning the break-up, while I’m still wallowing in sorrow – thinking of him or worse: them.”
(You have many options to face breakups more healthily, yet you choose the miserable one)

“I want to get out of this office! My colleagues are so mean, and my boss is abusing and harassing my professionalism all the time.”
(Then get out, you whiny cow!)

Or pity yourself like:

“What can I do? I was born this way. Life has been unfair since day one I see the world.”
(Ya ya… you were born beautiful and healthy. It’s so unfair… for those unfortunate people!)

“Yeah, of course he is more successful. He comes from rich family, went to the best schools, and was raised in a perfect environment with important and successful people.”
(While you are busy complaining your disadvantaged situation)

“Oh! This is too much for me! I am literally round now because of these genes that I easily gain weight especially when I am this damn depressed! Yeah, thanks to my boyfriend and boss and colleagues!”
(No! Thanks to your snacking habit and laziness to exercise!)

“Life is easier for men. They can do all silly mistakes and will be forgiven because they are men. Women cannot and should not make any mistakes. Oh, I wish I was born as a man.”
(Umm yes, I wish the same, hahaha)

Why do we feel as victim?

Firstly and mostly, it is related to our egocentric nature – that anything in this world matters less than us. Secondly, it is due to the fact that there are many things in life beyond our control. Therefore we complain. Those who play victim also expect to receive sympathy, to divert guilt, or to avoid responsibilities.  This is an act of manipulating other people. However, being a common behaviour doesn’t make it the best thing to do, no?

Every thought is creating reality, therefore when you think you are a victim, well then you are.

If there is an option to feel better in a longer run, why not doing it?

Yes, you have the option to stop doing it as soon as you can. I said stop because probably avoiding it is even harder. I believe that we – people – tend to see ourselves as victim of circumstances. It’s like an automatic defence mechanism. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re acting like it. I won’t blame you. Self-pity is indeed easy and comforting (but again, only for about ten minutes).

So, how to stop it? The very first step is to realize and admit that we’re playing it. Once you feel the world treating you bad and you get angry to anything… that is when the playing victim occurred. So, tell yourself: I am playing victim. If once doesn’t give any impacts, repeat: I am playing victim. You need to plant this consciousness in your mind.

Second step, do nothing. This is the time when you just need to wait and see, yet stay conscious that you’re playing victim. Every thought is creating reality, therefore when you think you are a victim, well then you are. Accept it, and then…

The third step is to manage. By the time you cooled down (maybe after an hour or so), you can start to do some active actions: stop handing responsibility of our misery to others. You know? We are liable for every bit of bitterness we taste. We choose each and every conduct and attitude. We choose our friends and family, we choose the place we live, the food we eat, the words we spit out. Therefore, rather than playing victim you may opt to take the stand and be responsible.

We are liable for every bit of bitterness we taste

Just that, and I bet you’ll feel better and can walk lightly to live your day with no remorse and resentment.

Be true. Be you. Be authentic to yourself.
– AS

Three-Day Rule (a break-up tips)

It takes three days for a brain to adapt…. Three days for the universe to turn right side up again. (Bones)

I like numbers. I like everything quantified, including some rules on heartbreak. The three-day rule. The six-month rule. The half-time-of-how-long-you’ve-been-together rule. Well, they don’t always work exactly like that. But… keeping those rules in mind helps me stay optimistic… and that everything will be just fine.

She is my hero. Click here to check out the trailer of one of my favorite episodes of BONES.

Wait a minute. Heartbreak? Again? Well, yes. One more time and maybe it won’t be last. But this is a way we all have to experience, isn’t it?

Shortly, here is the story. On one fine day, the love-of-my-life admitted that he fell out of love. He said it happened for quite a while but he didn’t want to tell me because he was afraid of losing me completely (*dumb ass*). This love-of-my-life was confused about how he felt about me. “I miss you, so I guess that must be love,” he said (*love your ass!* I said silently). You’d know if you love someone. You don’t guess. Oh! What a stab!

What is the sign that you’re in love? It is when all those songs make sense. (Castle)

Anyways, as we grow older, we should act as an adult and face the agony more gracefully. There is no better option. Sometimes it’s better to keep silent and act happy as if things go so well. It’s not pretending. It’s merely an act of respecting others because every single person has their own problem and misery. Keep that smile on your face. It helps.

So, here I am. Sad yet okay. And I’d like to provide you some suggestions to handle such situation called a break-up. It won’t be easy, of course. But since we all will have to face it, why don’t try these advice?

1. Accept

Accept that it’s over. Don’t hope for a miracle that s/he will come begging you to get back with them. No, no. You must have watched too many romantic movies. That scenario doesn’t really happen in real life. Let go! I know it hurts knowing that you have spent so much feeling and energy on someone, only to know in the end that they don’t feel the same way or that the situation is so fucked up, beyond control. But hey, shits happen all the time, but life goes on. Accept, then let go. Accept… then… let go…

2. Entertain yourself

Messy floor 🙂

A break-up will put you at the bottom of your pride. So you need to push yourself up again. How? Do fun things such as: shopping, speeding, throwing and breaking things :-). Hehe, I actually did the latest and honestly, it caused another upsetting experience.

It was the first time I got so angry about a break-up. Usually, I am just sad and depressed. But that time was quite different. I felt so much anger because my pride was torn apart so terribly. Voila, I threw things against my wall. I cursed. I hit things. I kicked things. I cried. I fell asleep and woke up with swollen eyes and got upset when stepping my feet on the messy floor. I then laughed and cried while cleaning the mess :-).

3. Don’t blame

Never ever blame yourself. The break-up is already hard and hurtful, you don’t have to dump another crap on you. Don’t blame her/him either. Nor God, hehe. Just simply don’t blame anybody or anything. Because blaming is just a defensive mechanism to make us feel better. Break-up happens all the time. It’s not a unique experience and trust me, you’re not the most miserable person in the world :-).

4. Focus on yourself

Please focus on yourself this time. It’s all about you and you alone. It’s about how to heal the pain, how to relieve the burden and the shame, how to mend the broken heart, and how to stand tall again. Don’t bother yourself thinking what s/he might think about you, or how s/he will deal with their pain or how s/he will be happy with someone else anytime soon (or they already are). That’s not your business. It’s already complicated to handle one heart (yours) why hassle yourself with hers/his?

It takes six months to heal a broken heart. “But I have spent six months and I am still sad.” So you should give yourself another six months. And another six months. And another six months until you’re recovered. That’s how it works. (Eat, Pray, Love)

5. Move on

Yes, the very last thing you should do is to move on. One failed relationship doesn’t mean the world is over. I had several futile relationships and plenty rejections… yet I continue falling in and out of love, continue making mistakes too and learn from each heartbreaking experience. So do you, so will you. Nothing is eternal, my friends. Not your happiness, nor your sadness. It’s rainy and cloudy now, but sun will shine again. Don’t stop your pursuit of happiness. It’s a never-ending effort. Be patient :-).

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Eventually, one day… magic will happen. You will wake up and see things differently. Just like that. Just like magic. You’ll be healed.