No Memory


Tonight is another sleepless night. It’s the holy month where I should have spent more time praying and keeping my distance to the Spirit closer. Yet, I am stuck in thinking of… him. Tonight is another sleepless night where my head becomes so heavy and my eyes become teary.

In the night like this, people suggest to get myself some distraction. Read a book! they say. Watch funny movie! Listen to rock! Eat good food! Shop! Pray! Exercise! etcetera etcetera… But I am now at the level where distraction can no longer helps. I need to drown myself into him—all about him until I don’t have anything left to think of.

“Our” music as the background would help. It usually does. So I’m browsing my playlist and youtube and I end up smiling painfully, realized that we don’t have “our” song. No, it’s not The Beatles, the previous guy loves the Beatles. He likes Revolver the most, although I like Abbey Road better. He always played The Beatles as our soundtrack. It’s not Elvis either. Elvis is the last boyfriend’s thing. He even liked citing some of the lyrics. He even sang for me several of those heart-shaking songs.

Oh, I feel so empty. I can’t find anything that I can call “ours.” No song. No movie. No book. Nothing. What was our thing? What did we do? Who are you?

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